Rewind Button

Yesterday, my heart was pounding with anticipation.  When would I see her?  Would it be days or maybe a week?  I didn't know...but surely I could wait that long???  Couldn't I?  A dilemma that I felt was manageable. She would be coming home. When, didn't matter.  She would be in my arms and I wouldn't let her go once she was there. That was yesterday.  Today my heart died. Today I lost a big piece of it. Today my heart flatlined. She's not coming home.  Really, why would she?  I've caused so much pain it's just too much for any one individual to make it through.  So today...she's gone.  It's just a matter of time that she finds her way and remembers me only as a very bad dream she once had. I know there is love waiting for her now...just a matter of her walking through an already open door.  As my growing sadness intensifies I think, wouldn't it be great if I could get a hold of a rewind button?  But as I sit here I realize that I would need to hit that button over and over...and even then...would there be a time she loved me...had hope in me...in us?  When was that time?  That's the thing...there is no rewind button.  There is only one's past.  No one ever forgets.  We are the sum of our experiences.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  My pain is real.  Today is not. I've lost her all over again.  I've lost her forever.  I've lost her for good.  I wish I had a rewind button.  I would probably rewind so far back to my childhood...start a new and maybe grow into a person with fewer hangups, issues, problems.  Would that button have helped us?  I'll never know.  It doesn't exist.

Her name is grace.  She was able to briefly lead me from darkness and show me some light. I will love her until the end of time for that.